Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Carl Jung - Essay Example Here he learned the discipline of careful and faithful recording of his work and started on his series of experiments, the word associations, which were to bring him the first ray of fame. (Anthony Daniels, Carl Jung) Word associations' experiments in brief constituted of asking the subject to respond with first word that came into subject's mind, in response to a word by Carl Jung. While the subject was responding Carl would record the subject's change in heart beat and respiratory rates as well as changes in skin conductivity (skin conductivity changes along with emotional arousal as this state leads to increase in body's sweat). Carl would thus be able to monitor and gauge which words would gauge which words would cause the most arousal. His next accomplishment was building theory of archetypes and collective consciousness - this theory was formed of thinking in imagery or undirected thinking and he believed that collective unconscious had many such archetypical forms (Anthony Daniels, Jung's idea of causality starts off by laying down the three basic requirements: Causes must precede effects, causes and effects must occur concomitantly, the effects from the concerned cause should occur continually and should not be one off. He further builds up and mentions causal events as obeying the natural laws and following the "scientific truths" while acausal events follow a pattern of "instant discontinuity" or beyond reason. The synchronicity theory bridges this reality gap and aims to present a more holistic picture of our world. (Lance Storm, Synchronicity, Causality and Acausality.) Jung defines synchronicity as occurrence of two or more events with a meaningful connection between them and there is no causal link. The meaningful connection constraint is very important as this removes coincidence. For Jung, synchronous event remains so irrespective of recognition of concerned event as meaningful (Lance Storm, Synchronicity) and also this event involves an archetype. Archetype is the connection, however amorphous may it be, that links the two events and enjoins them with a shared theme. Archetype according to Jung is the pivot points or building blocks of the collective unconscious that impinge on and determine behavior patterns. Victor Mansfield says, collective unconscious is according to Jung a neutral entity and further Jung says that synchronicity does not preclude causality and synchronicity is an Carl Jung 3 indispensable counterpart to causality. Acausal connections are really no connections, as perceived by our ingrained thinking and commitment to causality. (Victor Mansfield, The Rhine-Jung letters). Jung considers synchronicity as a special minor offshoot of "general acausal orderness" and par psychological phenomenon should also be considered in this domain. Paraphysicological phenomenon are acausal because there realizable exchange of energy or information which connects the similarities or correlations
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
IDEA and Special Education Annotated Essay Bowen, S. and Rude, H. (2006). Assessment and students with disabilities: Issues and challenges with educational reform. Rural Special Education Quarterly, 25 (3), pp. 24-30. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from Academic Search Premier database. Bowen and Rude pointed out that the 2004 reauthorization of IDEA reflected an effort to align IDEA with NCLB. This article focuses specifically on the problem of accountability, eligibility for special education services, summary of performance, and transition services for special education students. Also included are guiding principles for selecting appropriate accommodations for assessments. Ketterlin-Geller, L. (2007). Recommendations for accommodations: Implications of (in)consistency. Remedial and Special Education, 28 (4), pp. 194-206. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from Academic Search Premier. The author noted the importance of appropriate accommodations for students who have special needs. Unfortunately, student IEPs are often not aligned with the actual accommodations that are made in the classroom. This disagreement between the classroom teacher and the IEP team results in inconsistent accommodations which, according to Ketterlin-Geller, have a negative effect on student outcomes. The author outlined several possible causes for these inconsistencies. Ketterlin-Geller concluded, Regardless of the root cause for the disagreement between IEPs and teachers, the current system is placing teachers in the awkward position of enacting a set of predetermined, legally binding guidelines with the intention of providing the support needed for their students to succeed. Lynch, S. and Adams, P. (2008). Developing standards-based Individualized Education Program objectives for students with significant needs. Teaching Exceptional Children, 40 (3), pp. 36-39. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from Academic Search Premier. Lynch and Adams noted the apparent conflict between the expectations of NCLB and the requirements of IDEA described guidelines that may be used to help districts to develop assessments that are inline with student IEPs. This article focuses on developing assessments that address pre-symbolic levels of learning, early symbolic learning, and expanded symbolic levels of learning. National Education Association (2004). IDEA and NCLB: Intersection of Access and Outcomes. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from http://www. nea. org/specialed/images/ideanclbintersection. pdf This 47-page booklet describes the implications of NCLB for IDEA. Section One of the booklet addresses standardized assessments for students with disabilities, including acceptable accommodations under NCLB. The booklet also addresses how special education may affect Annual Yearly Progress (AYP) reports. The text includes several links to documents that may be used for policy guidance for districts that are developing policies for special education. Turnbull, H. (2005). Individuals With Disabilities Education Act Reauthorization: Accountability and personal responsibility. Remedial Special Education, 26 (6), pp. 320-326. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from Academic Search Premier database. Turnbull noted that IDEA 2004 reflects the concept that the teacher, the school, and the federal government share in the responsibility of improving student outcomes. Turnbull argued that this scope of responsibility must also include parents and students if learning and student achievement are to take place. U. S. Congress (2002). No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. Public Law 107-110. 2002. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from http://www. ed. gov/legislation/ESEA02/107-110. pdf This is the full text of NCLB. Altogether, the law is 670 pages long. The sheer volume of NCLB makes it difficult for many parents and school administrators to read through understand. References to IDEA and special education are spread throughout the bill; however, the most reference with the most significance for special education is found on page 1448-1449, in which not less than 95 percent of students, including students in special education, are required to take assessments with accommodations, guidelines, and alternative assessments provided in the same manner as those provided under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). U. S. Congress (2004). Individuals with Disabilities Education Improvement Act of 2004, Public Law 108-446. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from http://www. copyright. gov/legislation/pl108-446. pdf The full text of the 2004 reauthorization of IDEA. It is interesting to note that although IDEA 2004 was passed 2 years after the enactment of NCLB, there is no reference to NCLB in IDEA 2004. IDEA 2004 does note, however, that all children with disabilities are included in all general State and districtwide assessment programs (p. 40). Provisions are also made for alternative assessments. The philosophy of NCLB is also reflected in the IDEA 2004 requirement that states and school districts shall report the number of students who required an alternative assessment and how those students performed on the assessment (p. 41). Voltz, D. and Fore, C. (2006). Urban special education in the context of standards-based reform. Remedial and Special Education, 27 (6), pp. 329-336. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from Academic Search Premier. Critics of NCLB have argued that children from low-income families are more likely to have difficulty passing standardized assessments. Voltz and Fore pointed out that education does not occur in a vacuum. To be effective, education reform must be linked to broader social reform, including reforms that reduce poverty and that address the effect of poverty on student achievement. Wakeman, S. , Browder, D., Meier, I. , and McColl, A. (2007). The implications of No Child Left Behind for students with developmental disabilities. Mental Retardation Developmental Disabilities Research Reviews, 13 (2), pp. 143-150. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from Academic Search Premier database. This review addresses how to develop appropriate alternative assessments for children who have developmental delays and the implications of NCLB for curriculum and instruction for these children. The authors encouraged teachers to work towards meeting challenging academic standards for their students with developmental delays and noted that there is no research indicating that functional skills must be mastered before academic learning can take place. Wakeman, et al. , also pointed out that the requirements of NCLB may make it more difficult to recruit and to retain teachers who are qualified to work with this population. Wasta, M. (2006). No Child Left Behind: The death of special education? Phi Delta Kappan, 88 (4), pp. 298-299. Retrieved October 14, 2008, from Academic Search Premier. In this editorial, Wasta argues that NCLB includes unrealistic expectations for the educational outcomes of students with disabilities. Wasta fears that NCLB may lead some schools to eliminate their special education programs altogether. Despite his concerns about NCLB, Wasta contends that special education students should not be exempt from assessments and other provisions of the law. Instead, NCLB should be modified to include realistic expectations for special education students and special education programs.
Monday, October 14, 2019
Impact of Recession on Banking and Housing Industries In late 2000s financial market collapse and the resulting, global recession have left an urgent need for knowledge and research about unemployment-financial markets, poverty and much more. It will be expected from the social scientist to examine the reasons and causes of the crisis, the resulting economic and social trouble, and solid solution. It is very important to look back in the previous recessions-to find out what happen, what policy can be learned from the past, and how can we avoid some of the worst results of the past. This is very challenging research, but we are not definitely exploring it from the start There are some other issues like people happiness and wellbeing stable life, we can also think about it (which were not actually on the researcher parameters in the previous recessions but have drawn a noticeable attention in recent years. This survey will provide a broad overlook of finding social and finical research on impact of recession on housing industry and banking industry, its causes, consequences and immediate policiesIts aim to be of what we already know and what we need to know about it. It is very important to find and answers for the future prosperity Theory of economic suggest that how recession can lead towards the vulnerable financial conditions of any sector and it can triggered or worsen the conditions A case study on the impact of recession on the banking as well as housing industries and how it affected the UK economic market Rationale Theory of economy suggest that when economy goes through different cycles and call decreasing gross national product(GDP) of the country is called recession, but in terms of economic recession many expert consider that significant decline in the economic progress throughout the country. Global recession is the period when global economy is slowdown. It is very difficult to defining a global recession because it is expected from the developing countries that have a higher GDP than developed countries. This case study is about a UK business market and its adverse result on the UK economy. Recession is not a new thing in 21st century, UK already have seen an adverse result in late 70s and 1990sRecession had fatal effect on all over the world. But researcher thinks that developed countries are more affected than developing countries. In 2010, the government officially announced that recession is over. Should we accept it now? Is it true? Or it is simply a made-up story? It is particular believe that recession started in Dec 2007 in US and spread out globallyBritain is a most affected country by recession. In late 2000s recession, the financial market collapse and it had a worse impact on jobs, on people lives and on business. This recession was very cruel on many sector of economy, financial institutions. Britain has now in recession for over a three years and. the British economy was officially announced to be in recession January 2008. In present time banks operate almost every business. Because of their wrong strategic plan, modern world has seen the worst economical disaster. Unregulated financial activity created valueless economical boom. But in final stage they paid the big price for it. Investor lost millions. People lost their savings. Some critic says, because of greedy bankers, working class people facing the bad situations. Even ex-prime minister Mr Brown supported critics statement. He said, because of some greedy bankers we have been passing through the most drastic situation Banks are the finance provider to the other sectors to the growth of economy. This late 2000,s recession worsen the condition .mortgage rate was high they cut back loans and redundant people. The problem was clear in late 2000s recession when the international investors and domestic holders withdrawing their deposits and banks were cutting back loans. It was really hard for the client to find out a good mortgage deals. In economical crises, property market is the most effected sector. It started in the USA in mid 2007. Property market mainly gets support from bank. But in financial crises, banks and mortgage firms was facing the significant problem. Therefore it was very hard for buyers to find a suitable property for buying. We would take a look at what were the changes that were made with the finanical downturn and what attempts were made to survive in the business world. We would also look through the critical and analytical point of view that how we will be able to come out from this scenario? 4 Literature review. This dissertation will also discuses the financial crisis in UK and what is the economic condition now? It will also highlight what are the main causes and what are the affect of 2000s recession? AS we know that recession could cause crises theory, currency crisis and financial crisis. Recession affects are very disastrous it could be a reason of bankruptcies, unemployment, credit crunch or foreclosure. In this dissertation a researcher would like to throw a light on two big giant sectors that is housing sector and banking sector. These two sectors rely on each other and late 2000s recession badly affected them. Housing market The painful drop in economic output and continuously rise in the unemployment had bad affect on housing prices and demand for buying houses. There are two main causes of this sharp decline, unemployment .It also contributed to rise in repossession. The, lower financial output led to a big cut in interest rate. It lowered mortgage interest payments. Banks are struggling to raise finance and the result is insufficiency of mortgage credit. Banks were overcautious about lending money and it is caused a shortage of buyers . It is noticeable that lower mortgage rate is attracting somehow but the financial companies have a big lost. They have to suffer for it. In gernal sense housing market is direct centre of crisis. Financial disaster was started in USA and spread out to UK .Three years ago when northern rock a mortgage bank was teetering on the edge, the financial authorities carried out keeping it a float with undeclared emergency lending. The main objection at that time came from the financial services authorities that a listed company should have to disclose the emergency lending to avoid misleading the business market. The economist (2009) in their journals identifies that commercial property values in central London are fallen by as much as 50% since the financial crises hit. It was in the news that Dubai was delaying repayments of some of it $60 billion (Ã £36billion) in debt. The main purpose of this report was to unveil the dark side of the 2000s recession. When a giant overhang of the loans and it cause the economical disaster as well. Banking sector Banks are like a backbone of any prosperous country and the regulation of economic growth.2007- present; the financial crises are worsening the banking system. In the result many large financial insinuations are collapsed. Late 2000s recession is more like comprising with the 1930,s recession. Actually all the major economies are facing hardest time in economic growth in UK. In their report told that the governor of the bank of England Mervay king has warned that the UK is in a deep recession in 2009 and said rate cuts may no longer work Allen(1994) in his book financial crisis and recession in the global economy comments about recession and global economy in his chapter 1, 2 and 3.this research study is about 1982 world recession.1987 stock market crash Northern rock a British bank was one of the first victim of finical crisis. Northern rock requested a security to the bank of England. The investors were panic and bank run in September 2007.In February 2008 British government failed to find a buyer from a private sector and it was taken into the public hands. Northern rock bank proved initial stage problem. The companies affected those directly related to mortgage lending and home construction e.g. countrywide financial and Northern rock because they could not find financing through the credit market. In the result more than 100 lenders went bankrupt during December 2007-2008, another investor bank Bear Stearns collapsed in 2008 because of the fire sale to JP Morgan Chase. Financial crisis hit it peak in September and October 2008 Research Questions The dissertation will aim to find answers the following research questions through the analytical techniques and the data collections. What causes an economic recession? What are the effects of an economic recession on the financial sector? What is the current scenario and what is the future of financial sector state of UK? Some of the financial companies are not affected by recession? What are the strategies they adopted? What is the short term and long term strategies adopt by a business in the recent recession. Research Methodology The main objective of this analysis would be to examine the main cause of recession. The dissertations will discuses the economic condition of UK banks and housing market. It will also analyse that what are the strategies that have been adopted by the financial sector. For the research methodology it is important bringing in related knowledge towards the UK recession and its impact towards the financial sector. Negatively or positively from within the case study interviews to be given by some UK small medium enterpriser and multinational corporations, interviews will be of no less than hundred, these are the ones who are effected by recession regarding their loss of jobs and the status from their employment from the UK business sectors. Types of Data The main type of Data will be collected for this purpose of this report is as follows. Primary Data Primary data is the information which is collected by the researcher from his own primary data and analysis. This could be questionnaire-interviews observation, case study or critical incident. The primary data, which is collected from the different source, could be either qualitative which looks at the explanation behind the given responses or quantitative which is in the form of numbers and which can represent in the form of a graph or table. Questionnaires A research question is a kind of survey where the information is collected with the intension of arriving at the different conclusions on an issue. This kind of survey will help the researcher to get impartial result and if required the researcher can predict an issue or advice changes. Question will be divided to the employees, managers of big financial companies of random banks, mortgage companies and the housing sector. The question will be targeting a most specific issue of the discussion and each response would be analyse against each other. Survey may be deal with a variety of media (paper-electronic-verbal). Different kind of method can be used internet, face to face, telephone and mails.. The population will be divvied in managers employees and customers. Interviews Interview will be held on the spot with the people of different sectors. It could be either on phone or face to face. When the respondent meets the interviewee over the phone or directly and answer some circumstantial questions relating to circumstantial issue. This kind of interviews is more advantageous since not only respondent can convey themselves and interview can ask to elucidate the answer. Secondary Data Secondary data is a information that is already available. This could be including books, reviews, press releases, newspaper, news bulletin or reports etc. Again secondary data collected could be either quantitative or qualitative. It depends on the source and type of the information collected. Sampling method Stratified sampling Stratified sampling is a method where the population are based on groups. For the dissertation purpose, we will divide the populations. Managers of the companies This will include managers who are in direct contact with financial departments, including policy and decisions makers. Staff This group direct to those who help apply the strategies or changes. their opinion is indispensible as they are indirectly related with the running of business The big advantage of stratified sampling is that question will be related to the details. The interviewer wants to be answered and there will be less chance that the respondent will simply guess an answer that theses interviewer are in position to give answer to the questions. Simple random sampling This is a method where a small group of samples are selected from a large group.. 4.Data analysis There are two major approaches to analysis the data and collect an information qualitative and quantitative research method. Sometime required information is already available require only be pull out. However, in the analysis sometime information must be collected. This kind of research will call back the second approach. The research needs to be collected and it is not already available. The research mainly relies on the primary data. The nature of the problem, which researcher will explore in this report is suitable for both research methods. The secondary data in this research will be gathered from, reports, and books journals-journals-internet websites-companies websites, articles and every other written source of data. As primary data will be collected through interviews and questions, then all of the collected data will be analysis to accomplish the objectives and aims of the dissertation Qualitative Research Technique Qualitative research means to know why, not the, how, which is collected by many methods like interviews, feedback, forms-emails. Qualitative research is used to understand how people feel and they think-depth interviews or group discussions are two common methods to use for collect qualitative information. Quantitative Research Technique Quantitative research technique where a research method depends less on interviews-questions, observations but it is more focused on the numerical data and statistic collection and analysis. Information collected from the financial sectors, banks, mortgage companies will be combined together and put into tables and graphical charts to view the opinion on different topics and to review overall responses. Limitations of the Study Validity and reliability Validity directs to the truthfulness and accuracy of the research. Research data may be mislead if a question will be misinterpreted or misunderstand. Reliability is a various statistical tests. There is another way to test the reliability is to ask a same question with different wording in the research survey. It will help to collect a right data. Data may be misleading if the interviewee gives a judgment instead of straight facts. Therefore respondent will be bound in many ways from freely expression views with the help of close ended questions. Interviewing It may b challenging to finding the right person at the right time. Because of the current economic condition. a financial sectors would be face with the different challenges and then an interview for an academic research could end up a long way wait. Confidentiality As the business market is very competitive and the fact is that bit information about the company can give a rise to the competitors, a company might not want to share data. Although a confidentiality agreement will be signed and disclaimer will be issued. Response times The response time to the questionnaire and interview setting mostly rely on how busy the management and staff are at the research time. This might make collection process more lengthy Recent external factors Economical changes have a direct impact on the financial sectors and therefore theses changes have impact on their staffs as well. It is possible that feed back could be more a response to the recent external changes and not because of the business to ensure employees are happy and content.
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Cancer Ã Ã Ã Ã Ã In this paper IÃ¢â¬â¢m going to enlighten the reader on the struggles and hardships that people have living and maintaining with cancer. The stress that cancer causes is enough to change the emotional balance of ones environment. Physical pain is a factor that causes a person with cancer to do not want their life to continue. Some more factors that people deal with while assessing cancer are emotional pain, treatment, expenses, and just learning to how to cope with cancer. Ã Ã Ã Ã Ã Cancer is a sickness that interferes with a personÃ¢â¬â¢s life and changes their daily schedule and also effectÃ¢â¬â¢s his or her families regular activities. Cancer strikes one out of every three people, almost every family will hear that dreaded word in a personal way. Ã¢â¬Å"Pain is one of the most commonly feared symptoms of cancer Ã¢â¬ said David Matachar, MD, director of the Duke University Center for Clinical Health Policy Research and senior author of the paper. This section of the paper gives readers a personal experience with a person who has cancer. To understand the physical and emotional pain of cancer I interviewed a close friend of mine and asked her to explain the emotional and physical pains of having cancer. She started off saying that Ã¢â¬Å"once she found out that she had cancer so many thoughts rushed threw her head.Ã¢â¬ She wondered first is she would loose her hair or not. Then by having cancer would people treat her a certain way just because she has cancer when they found out. Would she be able to continue her everyday activities. Could she one day have children and in fact pass it on unto them. She thought that she was going to die as is if she was on a time clock. Secondly she felt that she would be on her own without help, without someone she could depend on. The physical pains she endured was the sickness she felt after chemotherapy and radiation. The soreness she felt after surgery from being cut open and sown back together. Feeling of tiredness during the day was a pain for her when she knew that there was things still to be done. Pain from the daily exercise workouts she had been instructed to do. To maintain a certain level of healthiness. Certain times of the day were her body wanted to shut down but she forced it to carry on. The taking of so many pills a day caused her to be drowsy and restless. She saidÃ¢â¬Å" she knew ... ...t by non-specialty providers. Pain management by oncologists was slightly more effective, but still managed the pain of only 55% of patients. By the Cancer Weekly editors from staff and other reports. Ã Ã Ã Ã Ã The struggles and hardships that people endure while living with cancer could stress someone out to where they could forget about their self-worth. In my opinion physical pain and emotional pain are two of the biggest factors when trying to cope with having cancer. As far as physical pain goes your body becomes so weak at times to where your almost helpless. Emotional pain could eat a person up on the inside to where they would think negative all the time, make it to were they wouldnÃ¢â¬â¢t want help or push themselves away from those family member that are trying to help them. The self-drive one should have would be erased and could lead to other medical problems. Once a person looses the will power to take charge and go out there on there own to make things right or better it makes it hard for them to and maintain cancer and itÃ¢â¬â¢s many obstacles. It also blocks their ability to intake knowledge to prevent or maintain themselves throughout the process.
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Does Creatine Supplementation Really Enhance Athletic Performance? The Purpose of Creatine In our competitive society, being the best is of utmost importance. Athletic performance is no exception, and athletes are constantly striving to find new ways to train which will help them to become the best. Many supplements promising results have come and gone, but creatine may actually be able to deliver improved athletic performance. Many athletes are currently supplementing their diets with creatine to increase their strength, muscle mass, and weight by providing their bodies with more available energy, thus reaching new heights in athletic performance. What is Creatine and how does it work Improving Energy Production Creatine is a nutrient that is found naturally in the diet as well as the human body. The primary dietary sources of creatine are raw beef and fish, as heating tends to destroy creatine . However, moderate increases in meat consumption are unlikely to increase muscle creatine levels because one must consume approximately 12 pounds of meat per day to achieve the same creatine levels as supplementation. When dietary consumption is inadequate to meet the body's creati.ne needs, it is manufactured in the liver and kidneys from a combination of the amino acids arginine, glycine and methionine. Creatine is present inside muscles, especially skeletal muscles. In the muscles, creatine. is used to form creatine phosphate (CP), a potent chemical which can indirectly supply the energy our muscles need to contract, especially for quick and explosive movements such as in sports. All work done in human cells (including contracting muscles) is fueled by the breakdown of adenosine triphosphate (ATP) to adenosine... ...ation on power output and fatigue during bicycle ergometry. Journal of Applied Physiology, 78(2), 670-673 Earnest, C.P., Snell, P.B., Rodriguez, ., Almada, A.L. Mitchell, T.L. (1995). The effect of creatine monohydrate ingestion on anaerobic power indices, muscular strength and body composition. Acta Physiologica Scandiavica 153, 207-209. Febbraio, M.A., Flanagan, T.R., Snow, R.J., Zhao, S. F., Carey, M.F. (1995). Effect of creatine supplementation on intramuscular Tcr metabolism and performance during intermittent, supramaximal exercise in humans. Acta Physiologica Scandiavica, 155, :387-395. Harris, R.C., Soderlund, K. & Hultman, E. (1992). Elevation of creatine in resting and exercised muscle of normal subjects by creatine supplementation. Clinical Science 83, 367-374. Sahelian, R. (1997). Creatine: Nature's muscle builder. Let's Live, 65(3), 104
Friday, October 11, 2019
Biblical reference within the story Cry the Beloved Country Many times in literary pieces, allusions are put in novels, used to foreshadow the ending of a book. The most common types of allusions are those from the bible. This is probably because many are familiar with the bible and its stories. The goal of foreshadowing is to provide a way for the reader to think more about the big picture, rather than what is happening page by page. In the novel, Cry the Beloved County, allusions to the Bible are very apparent and hold high significance in the story. The character Absalom shows tremendous similarities to the Biblical Absalom and almost seem to be made out of the same mold. Steven Kumalo from the novel and the simple man Job from the bible are tested in the same way and come out in the end in the same way. Biblical Absalom is essentially wronged by his half-brother Amnon, when his half brother forced his sister Tamar to sleep with him. Similarly Absalom Kumalo is wronged by his fatherÃ¢â¬â¢s, brotherÃ¢â¬â¢s, son, Matthew, when he will not admit to the court that he was an accessory to murder. Basically, both are wronged by a close family member, Biblical Absalom by his brother, and Absalom Kumalo by his cousin. In both stories, though not shown in depth, the men show a close trusting relationship with the one whom have wronged them. Before Amnon slept with his sister Tamar, Biblical Absalom would have no reason not to trust his brother, just as Absalom Kumalo would not doubt his cousin whom aided him in the murder. Later on, both men find out that, Amnon and Matthew are in it for themselves, not unlike both Absaloms. Absalom Kumalo shot Arthur Jarvis with the intentions of becoming richer. Even though Biblical Absalom killed his brother for sleeping with his sister, with Amnon dead, Absalom would inherit his fathers throne. (Bible p372-380) (Ward pp.188-189) In retrospect, both men were ultimately driven to commit the murder. Absalom Kumalo probably felt that if a white man can underhand him, and deny him money, then he deserves some of his fortune. So because whites men, kept blacks unskilled and did not allow them the same rights, many rebelled against the whites. In the same frame of mind, biblical AbsalomÃ¢â¬â¢s hatred for his brother was built up until he decided to go through with his murder. Even though Absalom Kumalo shot the white man on accident, he was doing it for his own gain. He went into theÃ house with the intention of stealing and instead shot a white man out of fear. Though it may seem that he regretted what he had done, which he in some ways did, his crime could not be fully repented. More than anything he probably wishes for Arthur Jarvis to be alive. He doesnÃ¢â¬â¢t feels bad about killing him, he simply does not want to deal with the consequences. Biblical Absalom plans out t he murder of his brother when he has him over for dinner. Neither men regret killing a man that was as family to them. (Bible p372-380) (Davis p184) Biblical Absalom murdered his brother Amnon for raping his sister Tamar two years earlier. Absalom Kumalo, on the same note, accidentally murdered a white man, while attempting to rob him. Absalom Kumalo, like biblical Absalom essentially murdered his own brother. Arthur Jarvis, the man Absalom Kumalo shot, was like a brother to the black men. He devoted his life to make a difference in blacks rights in South Africa. For both men, the act of murder on their part, ultimately led to their own demise. Biblical Absalom killed his brother Amnon and when king David found out that Absalom had indeed killed his brother Amnon. After the murder, both men flee the scene. Absalom Kumalo, runs because the price for killing a white man is high. Biblical Absalom flees because he also knows, that if he stays, hash consequences will be enforced. (Bible p372-380) Eventually, both man are captured and die in an unusual manner against both their fathersÃ¢â¬â¢ wishes. Absalom Kumalo is hung for his crime, so as to set an example. Though, the hanging of Absalom is not so strange in itself, its almost foretold in the biblical story of Absalom. After biblical Absalom flees his home on a horse, his head gets caught in a tree while passing under. This act is almost too familiar. As biblical Absalom dies with his body off the ground, struggling to get down, Absalom Kumalo dies with his head in a noose, and body dangling above the ground. (Bible p372-380) (Davis p184) In the bible, Job is developed as a man whom would never speak ill of god. Job is tested by Satan, who believes that Job will curse God if his prosperity is taken away. Satan kills JobÃ¢â¬â¢s children and all of his livestock, but Job does not lose his faith. Satan then takes away Job health by planting boils all over his body. Job eventually become very disappointed with his life and curses the day he was born. This is a classic example of how no man is perfect and whenÃ Steven was introduced into Cry, the Beloved Country, he seemed to strive for perfection just as Job had in the bible. Job in theory seemed perfect but, Satan proved Job not to be, just as StevenÃ¢â¬â¢s family proved him not to be. (Davis pp.265-272) (Bible p572-600) When brought into the story, both Steven and Job seem to be perfect and upright men. Steven, as a simple black parson and Job, as a upright man whom has shown no flaws. Though StevenÃ¢â¬â¢s flaws are shown early on the novel, Cry, the Beloved County, he is still seen as a good man. Both men are examples of how bad things sometimes happen to good people. They both try to be the best men they can be, by fixing others mistakes and trying to be good people. Job offered burnt offerings to god everyday for his children who may have cursed god in their hearts and Steven prayed everyday to repent the sins of others and his own. The main thing that made these men eligible to lose so much, was because they had gained so much earlier in life. Though Steven want a rich man, he was far better off than any man in his village, and Job was a very prosperous man and looked well upon by god. (Davis pp.265-272) (Bible p572-600) Since Job was thought so highly of by God, he was tested by Satan in order to see if he would lose his faith. Steven Kumalo is tested in the same way as Job. Steven receives a letter from a priest informing him with the news that his sister, Gertrude, is sick. He leaves his normal life in the valley and travels to the city, with the intentions of bringing her home. When he arrives there, he is confronted with the horrifying news that she is selling herself to men. Steven goes in search of his son Absalom, and eventually finds him. Absalom had shot a white man and is sentence to be hung. Everything that went on in Jhonnaneburg hurt Steven and just like Job, he is tortured to the point where he will break if anything else were to happen. (Bible p572-600) (Ward p.222) In the end, though both men had lost practically everything they cared about, Steven his son and sister, and Job all his children and his prosperity, but then things got significantly better. Steven loses a son but gains a daughter carrying baby, and his sister GertrudeÃ¢â¬â¢s son. Job loses all his children but gains ten new children and all his livestock back. ItÃ¢â¬â¢s an interesting coincidence how both men lose their child or children, but as they regain faith, new children are restored to them. (Davis pp.265-272)Ã (Bible p572-600) Paton used the name Absalom as an allusion in the story. His goal was probably to allow people to see into the future of AbsalomÃ¢â¬â¢s mortality. When I first read the story of Absalom, I didnÃ¢â¬â¢t any definite similarities but as the stories start intertwining, I understood why he used the name Absalom for StevenÃ¢â¬â¢s son. Absalom in general was a greedy boy, who really thought he deserved more and makes the mistake of killing a man which ultimately leads to his own death. Job and Steven, on the other hand, are generally men who strived to be good men. They were tested with their faith and both men failed, but they do gain their faith back, and their happiness along with it.
Thursday, October 10, 2019
THE COUNTER IN ALICE'S BATHROOM WAS COVERED WITH a thousand different products, all claiming to beautify a person's surface. Since everyone in this house was both perfect and impermeable, I could only assume that she'd bought most of these things with me in mind. I read the labels numbly, struck by the waste. I was careful never to look in the long mirror. Alice combed through my hair with a slow, rhythmic motion. Ã¢â¬Å"That's enough, Alice,Ã¢â¬ I said tonelessly. Ã¢â¬Å"I want to go back to La Push.Ã¢â¬ How many hours had I waited for Charlie to finally leave Billy's house so that I could see Jacob? Each minute, not knowing if Jacob was still breathing or not, had seemed like ten lifetimes. And then, when at last I'd been allowed to go, to see for myself that Jacob was alive, the time had gone so quickly. I felt like I'd barely caught my breath before Alice was calling Edward, insisting that I keep up this ridiculous sleepover faade. It seemed so insignificant. . . . Ã¢â¬Å"Jacob's still unconscious,Ã¢â¬ Alice answered. Ã¢â¬Å"Carlisle or Edward will call when he's awake. Anyway, you need to go see Charlie. He was there at Billy's house, he saw that Carlisle and Edward are back in from their trip, and he's bound to be suspicious when you get home.Ã¢â¬ I already had my story memorized and corroborated. Ã¢â¬Å"I don't care. I want to be there when Jacob wakes up.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"You need to think of Charlie now. You've had a long day Ã¢â¬â sorry, I know that doesn't begin to cover it Ã¢â¬â but that doesn't mean that you can shirk your responsibilities.Ã¢â¬ Her voice was serious, almost chiding. Ã¢â¬Å"It's more important now than ever that Charlie stays safely in the dark. Play your role first, Bella, and then you can do what you want second. Part of being a Cullen is being meticulously responsible.Ã¢â¬ Of course she was right. And if not for this same reason Ã¢â¬â a reason that was more powerful than all my fear and pain and guilt Ã¢â¬â Carlisle would never have been able to talk me into leaving Jacob's side, unconscious or not. Ã¢â¬Å"Go home,Ã¢â¬ Alice ordered. Ã¢â¬Å"Talk to Charlie. Flesh out your alibi. Keep him safe.Ã¢â¬ I stood, and the blood flowed down to my feet, stinging like the pricks of a thousand needles. I'd been sitting still for a long time. Ã¢â¬Å"That dress is adorable on you,Ã¢â¬ Alice cooed. Ã¢â¬Å"Huh? Oh. Er Ã¢â¬â thanks again for the clothes,Ã¢â¬ I mumbled out of courtesy rather than real gratitude. Ã¢â¬Å"You need the evidence,Ã¢â¬ Alice said, her eyes innocent and wide. Ã¢â¬Å"What's a shopping trip without a new outfit? It's very flattering, if I do say so myself.Ã¢â¬ I blinked, unable to remember what she'd dressed me in. I couldn't keep my thoughts from skittering away every few seconds, insects running from the light. . . . Ã¢â¬Å"Jacob is fine, Bella,Ã¢â¬ Alice said, easily interpreting my preoccupation. Ã¢â¬Å"There's no hurry. If you realized how much extra morphine Carlisle had to give him Ã¢â¬â what with his temperature burning it off so quickly Ã¢â¬â you would know that he's going to be out for a while.Ã¢â¬ At least he wasn't in any pain. Not yet. Ã¢â¬Å"Is there anything you want to talk about before you leave?Ã¢â¬ Alice asked sympathetically. Ã¢â¬Å"You must be more than a little traumatized.Ã¢â¬ I knew what she was curious about. But I had other questions. Ã¢â¬Å"Will I be like that?Ã¢â¬ I asked her, my voice subdued. Ã¢â¬Å"Like that girl Bree in the meadow?Ã¢â¬ There were many things I needed to think of, but I couldn't seem to get her out of my head, the newborn whose other life was now Ã¢â¬â abruptly Ã¢â¬â over. Her face, twisted with desire for my blood, lingered behind my eyelids. Alice stroked my arm. Ã¢â¬Å"Everyone is different. But something like that, yes.Ã¢â¬ I was very still, trying to imagine. Ã¢â¬Å"It passes,Ã¢â¬ she promised. Ã¢â¬Å"How soon?Ã¢â¬ She shrugged. Ã¢â¬Å"A few years, maybe less. It might be different for you. I've never seen anyone go through this who's chosen it beforehand. It should be interesting to see how that affects you.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Interesting,Ã¢â¬ I repeated. Ã¢â¬Å"We'll keep you out of trouble.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I know that. I trust you.Ã¢â¬ My voice was monotone, dead. Alice's forehead puckered. Ã¢â¬Å"If you're worried about Carlisle and Edward, I'm sure they'll be fine. I believe Sam is beginning to trust us . . . well, to trust Carlisle, at least. It's a good thing, too. I imagine the atmosphere got a little tense when Carlisle had to rebreak the fractures -Ã¢â¬Å" Ã¢â¬Å"Please, Alice.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Sorry.Ã¢â¬ I took a deep breath to steady myself. Jacob had begun healing too quickly, and some of his bones had set wrong. He'd been out cold for the process, but it was still hard to think about. Ã¢â¬Å"Alice, can I ask you a question? About the future?Ã¢â¬ She was suddenly wary. Ã¢â¬Å"You know I don't see everything.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"It's not that, exactly. But you do see my future, sometimes. Why is that, do you think, when nothing else works on me? Not what Jane can do, or Edward or Aro . . .Ã¢â¬ My sentence trailed off with my interest level. My curiosity on this point was fleeting, heavily overshadowed by more pressing emotions. Alice, however, found the question very interesting. Ã¢â¬Å"Jasper, too, Bella Ã¢â¬â his talent works on your body just as well as it does on anyone else's. That's the difference, do you see it? Jasper's abilities affect the body physically. He really does calm your system down, or excite it. It's not an illusion. And I see visions of outcomes, not the reasons and thoughts behind the decisions that create them. It's outside the mind, not an illusion, either; reality, or at least one version of it. But Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri Ã¢â¬â they work inside the mind. Jane only creates an illusion of pain. She doesn't really hurt your body, you only think you feel it. You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind. No one can reach you there. It's no wonder that Aro was so curious about your future abilities.Ã¢â¬ She watched my face to see if I was following her logic. In truth, her words had all started to run together, the syllables and sounds losing their meaning. I couldn't concentrate on them. Still, I nodded. Trying to look like I got it. She wasn't fooled. She stroked my cheek and murmured, Ã¢â¬Å"He's going to be okay, Bella. I don't need a vision to know that. Are you ready to go?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"One more thing. Can I ask you another question about the future? I don't want specifics, just an overview.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I'll do my best,Ã¢â¬ she said, doubtful again. Ã¢â¬Å"Can you still see me becoming a vampire?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Oh, that's easy. Sure, I do.Ã¢â¬ I nodded slowly. She examined my face, her eyes unfathomable. Ã¢â¬Å"Don't you know your own mind, Bella?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I do. I just wanted to be sure.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I'm only as sure as you are, Bella. You know that. If you were to change your mind, what I see would change . . . or disappear, in your case.Ã¢â¬ I sighed. Ã¢â¬Å"That isn't going to happen, though.Ã¢â¬ She put her arms around me. Ã¢â¬Å"I'm sorry. I can't really empathize. My first memory is of seeing Jasper's face in my future; I always knew that he was where my life was headed. But I can sympathize. I'm so sorry you have to choose between two good things.Ã¢â¬ I shook off her arms. Ã¢â¬Å"Don't feel sorry for me.Ã¢â¬ There were people who deserved sympathy. I wasn't one of them. And there wasn't any choice to make Ã¢â¬â there was just breaking a good heart to attend to now. Ã¢â¬Å"I'll go deal with Charlie.Ã¢â¬ I drove my truck home, where Charlie was waiting just as suspiciously as Alice had expected. Ã¢â¬Å"Hey, Bella. How was your shopping trip?Ã¢â¬ he greeted me when I walked into the kitchen. He had his arms folded over his chest, his eyes on my face. Ã¢â¬Å"Long,Ã¢â¬ I said dully. Ã¢â¬Å"We just got back.Ã¢â¬ Charlie assessed my mood. Ã¢â¬Å"I guess you already heard about Jake, then?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Yes. The rest of the Cullens beat us home. Esme told us where Carlisle and Edward were.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Are you okay?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Worried about Jake. As soon as I make dinner, I'm going down to La Push.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I told you those motorcycles were dangerous. I hope this makes you realize that I wasn't kidding around.Ã¢â¬ I nodded as I started pulling things out of the fridge. Charlie settled himself in at the table. He seemed to be in a more talkative mood than usual. Ã¢â¬Å"I don't think you need to worry about Jake too much. Anyone who can cuss with that kind of energy is going to recover.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Jake was awake when you saw him?Ã¢â¬ I asked, spinning to look at him. Ã¢â¬Å"Oh, yeah, he was awake. You should have heard him Ã¢â¬â actually, it's better you didn't. I don't think there was anyone in La Push who couldn't hear him. I don't know where he picked up that vocabulary, but I hope he hasn't been using that kind of language around you.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"He had a pretty good excuse today. How did he look?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Messed up. His friends carried him in. Good thing they're big boys, 'cause that kid's an armful. Carlisle said his right leg is broken, and his right arm. Pretty much the whole right side of his body got crushed when he wrecked that damn bike.Ã¢â¬ Charlie shook his head. Ã¢â¬Å"If I ever hear of you riding again, Bella -Ã¢â¬Å" Ã¢â¬Å"No problem there, Dad. You won't. Do you really think Jake's okay?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Sure, Bella, don't worry. He was himself enough to tease me.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Tease you?Ã¢â¬ I echoed in shock. Ã¢â¬Å"Yeah Ã¢â¬â in between insulting somebody's mother and taking the Lord's name in vain, he said, Ã¢â¬ËBet you're glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?'Ã¢â¬ I turned back to the fridge so that he couldn't see my face. Ã¢â¬Å"And I couldn't argue. Edward's more mature than Jacob when it comes to your safety, I'll give him that much.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Jacob's plenty mature,Ã¢â¬ I muttered defensively. Ã¢â¬Å"I'm sure this wasn't his fault.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Weird day today,Ã¢â¬ Charlie mused after a minute. Ã¢â¬Å"You know, I don't put much stock in that superstitious crap, but it was odd. . . . It was like Billy knew something bad was going to happen to Jake. He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning. I don't think he heard anything I said to him. Ã¢â¬Å"And then, weirder than that Ã¢â¬â remember back in February and March when we had all that trouble with the wolves?Ã¢â¬ I bent down to get a frying pan out of the cupboard, and hid there an extra second or two. Ã¢â¬Å"Yeah,Ã¢â¬ I mumbled. Ã¢â¬Å"I hope we're not going to have a problem with that again. This morning, we were out in the boat, and Billy wasn't paying any attention to me or the fish, when all of a sudden, you could hear wolves yowling in the woods. More than one, and, boy, was it loud. Sounded like they were right there in the village. Weirdest part was, Billy turned the boat around and headed straight back to the harbor like they were calling to him personally. Didn't even hear me ask what he was doing. Ã¢â¬Å"The noise stopped before we got the boat docked. But all of a sudden Billy was in the biggest hurry not to miss the game, though we had hours still. He was mumbling some nonsense about an earlier showing . . . of a live game? I tell you, Bella, it was odd. Ã¢â¬Å"Well, he found some game he said he wanted to watch, but then he just ignored it. He was on the phone the whole time, calling Sue, and Emily, and your friend Quil's grandpa. Couldn't quite make out what he was looking for Ã¢â¬â he just chatted real casual with them. Ã¢â¬Å"Then the howling started again right outside the house. I've never heard anything like it Ã¢â¬â I had goose bumps on my arms. I asked Billy Ã¢â¬â had to shout over the noise Ã¢â¬â if he'd been setting traps in his yard. It sounded like the animal was in serious pain.Ã¢â¬ I winced, but Charlie was so caught up in his story that he didn't notice. Ã¢â¬Å"Ã¢â¬ËCourse I forgot all about that till just this minute, 'cause that's when Jake made it home. One minute it was that wolf yowling, and then you couldn't hear it anymore Ã¢â¬â Jake's cussing drowned it right out. Got a set of lungs on him, that boy does.Ã¢â¬ Charlie paused for a minute, his face thoughtful. Ã¢â¬Å"Funny that some good should come out of this mess. I didn't think they were ever going to get over that fool prejudice they have against the Cullens down there. But somebody called Carlisle, and Billy was real grateful when he showed up. I thought we should get Jake up to the hospital, but Billy wanted to keep him home, and Carlisle agreed. I guess Carlisle knows what's best. Generous of him to sign up for such a long stretch of house calls.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"And . . .Ã¢â¬ he paused, as if unwilling to say something. He sighed, and then continued. Ã¢â¬Å"And Edward was really . . . nice. He seemed as worried about Jacob as you are Ã¢â¬â like that was his brother lying there. The look in his eyes . . .Ã¢â¬ Charlie shook his head. Ã¢â¬Å"He's a decent guy, Bella. I'll try to remember that. No promises, though.Ã¢â¬ He grinned at me. Ã¢â¬Å"I won't hold you to it,Ã¢â¬ I mumbled. Charlie stretched his legs and groaned. Ã¢â¬Å"It's nice to be home. You wouldn't believe how crowded Billy's little place gets. Seven of Jake's friends all squished themselves into that little front room Ã¢â¬â I could hardly breathe. Have you ever noticed how big those Quileute kids all are?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Yeah, I have.Ã¢â¬ Charlie stared at me, his eyes abruptly more focused. Ã¢â¬Å"Really, Bella, Carlisle said Jake will be up and around in no time. Said it looked a lot worse than it was. He's going to be fine.Ã¢â¬ I just nodded. Jacob had looked so . . . strangely fragile when I'd hurried down to see him as soon as Charlie had left. He'd had braces everywhere Ã¢â¬â Carlisle said there was no point in plaster, as fast as he was healing. His face had been pale and drawn, deeply unconscious though he was at the time. Breakable. Huge as he was, he'd looked very breakable. Maybe that had just been my imagination, coupled with the knowledge that I was going to have to break him. If only I could be struck by lightning and be split in two. Preferably painfully. For the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose. I put Charlie's dinner on the table next to his elbow and headed for the door. Ã¢â¬Å"Er, Bella? Could you wait just a second?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Did I forget something?Ã¢â¬ I asked, eyeing his plate. Ã¢â¬Å"No, no. I just . . . want to ask a favor.Ã¢â¬ Charlie frowned and looked at the floor. Ã¢â¬Å"Have a seat Ã¢â¬â this won't take long.Ã¢â¬ I sat across from him, a little confused. I tried to focus. Ã¢â¬Å"What do you need, Dad?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Here's the gist of it, Bella.Ã¢â¬ Charlie flushed. Ã¢â¬Å"Maybe I'm just feeling . . . superstitious after hanging out with Billy while he was being so strange all day. But I have this . . . hunch. I feel like . . . I'm going to lose you soon.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Don't be silly, Dad,Ã¢â¬ I mumbled guiltily. Ã¢â¬Å"You want me to go to school, don't you?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Just promise me one thing.Ã¢â¬ I was hesitant, ready to rescind. Ã¢â¬Å"Okay . . .Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Dad . . . ,Ã¢â¬ I moaned. Ã¢â¬Å"I'm serious. I won't kick up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to hug you goodbye.Ã¢â¬ Cringing mentally, I held up my hand. Ã¢â¬Å"This is silly. But, if it makes you happy, . . . I promise.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Thanks, Bella,Ã¢â¬ he said. Ã¢â¬Å"I love you, kid.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I love you, too, Dad.Ã¢â¬ I touched his shoulder, and then shoved away from the table. Ã¢â¬Å"If you need anything, I'll be at Billy's.Ã¢â¬ I didn't look back as I ran out. This was just perfect, just what I needed right now. I grumbled to myself all the way to La Push. Carlisle's black Mercedes was not in front of Billy's house. That was both good and bad. Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward's hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward Ã¢â¬â it had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer quite obvious. I already knew that I couldn't live without Edward. That fact wasn't going to make this any less painful. I tapped quietly on the front door. Ã¢â¬Å"Come in, Bella,Ã¢â¬ Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize. I let myself in. Ã¢â¬Å"Hey, Billy. Is he awake?Ã¢â¬ I asked. Ã¢â¬Å"He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think he's been waiting for you.Ã¢â¬ I flinched, and then took a deep breath. Ã¢â¬Å"Thanks.Ã¢â¬ I hesitated at the door to Jacob's room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to peek first, hoping Ã¢â¬â coward that I was Ã¢â¬â that maybe he'd gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a few more minutes. I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in. Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes. It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time. Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the extent of the damage. I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me. Ã¢â¬Å"Hi, Jake,Ã¢â¬ I murmured. He didn't answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort, he rearranged his expression into a slightly mocking smile. Ã¢â¬Å"Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that.Ã¢â¬ He sighed. Ã¢â¬Å"Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she's as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this.Ã¢â¬ He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door. Ã¢â¬Å"How are you feeling?Ã¢â¬ I mumbled. What a stupid question. Ã¢â¬Å"A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn't sure how much pain medication I need, so he's going with trial and error. Think he overdid it.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"But you're not in pain.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"No. At least, I can't feel my injuries,Ã¢â¬ he said, smiling mockingly again. I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didn't anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to die? The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was worried. Ã¢â¬Å"How about you?Ã¢â¬ he asked, sounding really concerned. Ã¢â¬Å"Are you okay?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Me?Ã¢â¬ I stared at him. Maybe he had taken too many drugs. Ã¢â¬Å"Why?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't actually hurt you, but I wasn't sure how bad it was going to be. I've been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didn't know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? I'm sorry if it was bad. I didn't mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was thinking I'd be there. . . .Ã¢â¬ It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward, until I got what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him. Ã¢â¬Å"No, no, Jake! I'm fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasn't mean. I wish!Ã¢â¬ His eyes widened in what looked like horror. Ã¢â¬Å"What?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"He wasn't even mad at me Ã¢â¬â he wasn't even mad at you! He's so unselfish it makes me feel even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. It's not like I don't deserve . . . well, much worse that getting yelled at. But he doesn't care. He just wants me to be happy.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"He wasn't mad?Ã¢â¬ Jacob asked, incredulous. Ã¢â¬Å"No. He was . . . much too kind.Ã¢â¬ Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. Ã¢â¬Å"Well, damn!Ã¢â¬ he growled. Ã¢â¬Å"What's wrong, Jake? Does it hurt?Ã¢â¬ My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication. Ã¢â¬Å"No,Ã¢â¬ he grumbled in a disgusted tone. Ã¢â¬Å"I can't believe this! He didn't give you an ultimatum or anything?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Not even close Ã¢â¬â what's wrong with you?Ã¢â¬ He scowled and shook his head. Ã¢â¬Å"I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. He's better than I thought.Ã¢â¬ The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edward's tribute to Jacob's lack of ethics in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as that stabbed deep. Ã¢â¬Å"He's not playing any game, Jake,Ã¢â¬ I said quietly. Ã¢â¬Å"You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I don't. Don't blame me because he's a better manipulator than I am Ã¢â¬â I haven't been around long enough to learn all his tricks.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"He isn't manipulating me!Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he's not a perfect as you think he is?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"At least he didn't threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him,Ã¢â¬ I snapped. As soon as the words were out, I flushed with chagrin. Ã¢â¬Å"Wait. Pretend that didn't slip out. I swore to myself that I wasn't going to say anything about that.Ã¢â¬ He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. Ã¢â¬Å"Why not?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Because I didn't come here to blame you for anything.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"It's true, though,Ã¢â¬ he said evenly. Ã¢â¬Å"I did do that.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I don't care, Jake. I'm not mad.Ã¢â¬ He smiled. Ã¢â¬Å"I don't care, either. I knew you'd forgive me, and I'm glad I did it. I'd do it again. At least I have that much. At least I made you see that you do love me. That's worth something.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Don't you think you ought to know how you feel Ã¢â¬â just so that it doesn't take you by surprise someday when it's too late and you're a married vampire?Ã¢â¬ I shook my head. Ã¢â¬Å"No Ã¢â¬â I didn't mean better for me. I meant better for you. Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that I'm in love with you? When it doesn't make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?Ã¢â¬ He took my question as seriously as I'd meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. Ã¢â¬Å"Yes, it's better to have you know,Ã¢â¬ hefinally decided. Ã¢â¬Å"If you hadn't figured it out . . . I'd have always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could.Ã¢â¬ He dragged in an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes. This time I did not Ã¢â¬â could not Ã¢â¬â resist the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and kneeled by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to touch my forehead to his cheek. Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there. Ã¢â¬Å"I'm so sorry, Jake.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I always knew this was a long shot. It's not your fault, Bella.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Not you, too,Ã¢â¬ I moaned. Ã¢â¬Å"Please.Ã¢â¬ He pulled away to look at me. Ã¢â¬Å"What?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"It is my fault. And I'm so sick of being told it's not.Ã¢â¬ He grinned. It didn't touch his eyes. Ã¢â¬Å"You want me to haul you over the coals?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Actually . . . I think I do.Ã¢â¬ He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl. Ã¢â¬Å"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable.Ã¢â¬ He spit the words at me. Ã¢â¬Å"If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it.Ã¢â¬ I winced and nodded. Ã¢â¬Å"I'm so sorry.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Sorry doesn't make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I wasn't,Ã¢â¬ I whispered. Ã¢â¬Å"You should have told me to go die. That's what you want.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"No, Jacob,Ã¢â¬ I whimpered, fighting against the budding tears. Ã¢â¬Å"No! Never.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"You're not crying?Ã¢â¬ he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched impatiently on the bed. Ã¢â¬Å"Yeah,Ã¢â¬ I muttered, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs. He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand. Ã¢â¬Å"What are you doing?Ã¢â¬ I demanded through the tears. Ã¢â¬Å"Lie down, you idiot, you'll hurt yourself!Ã¢â¬ I jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands. He surrendered, leaning back with a gasp of pain, but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me down on the bed, against his good side. I curled up there, trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin. Ã¢â¬Å"I can't believe you're crying,Ã¢â¬ he mumbled. Ã¢â¬Å"You know I just said those things because you wanted me to. I didn't mean them.Ã¢â¬ His hand rubbed against my shoulders. Ã¢â¬Å"I know.Ã¢â¬ I took a deep, ragged breath, trying to control myself. How did I end up being the one crying while he did the comforting? Ã¢â¬Å"It's all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out loud.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Do I get points for making you cry?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Sure, Jake.Ã¢â¬ I tried to smile. Ã¢â¬Å"As many as you want.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Don't worry, Bella, honey. It's all going to work out.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I don't see how,Ã¢â¬ I muttered. He patted the top of my head. Ã¢â¬Å"I'm going to give in and be good.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"More games?Ã¢â¬ I wondered, tilting my chin so that I could see his face. Ã¢â¬Å"Maybe.Ã¢â¬ He laughed with a bit of effort, and then winced. Ã¢â¬Å"But I'm going to try.Ã¢â¬ I frowned. Ã¢â¬Å"Don't be so pessimistic,Ã¢â¬ he complained. Ã¢â¬Å"Give me a little credit.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"What do you mean by Ã¢â¬Ëbe good'?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I'll be your friend, Bella,Ã¢â¬ he said quietly. Ã¢â¬Å"I won't ask for more than that.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I think it's too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?Ã¢â¬ He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written there. Ã¢â¬Å"Maybe . . . it will have to be a long-distance friendship.Ã¢â¬ I clenched my teeth together, glad he wasn't looking at my face, fighting against the sobs that threatened to overtake me again. I needed to be strong, and I had no idea how. . . . Ã¢â¬Å"You know that story in the Bible?Ã¢â¬ Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling. Ã¢â¬Å"The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Sure. King Solomon.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"That's right. King Solomon,Ã¢â¬ he repeated. Ã¢â¬Å"And he said, cut the kid in half . . . but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Yeah, I remember.Ã¢â¬ He looked back at my face. Ã¢â¬Å"I'm not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella.Ã¢â¬ I understood what he was saying. He was telling me that he loved me the most, that his surrender proved it. I wanted to defend Edward, to tell Jacob how Edward would do the same thing if I wanted, if I would let him. I was the one who wouldn't renounce my claim there. But there was no point in starting an argument that would only hurt him more. I closed my eyes, willing myself to control the pain. I couldn't impose that on him. We were quiet for a moment. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something; I was trying to think of something to say. Ã¢â¬Å"Can I tell you what the worst part is?Ã¢â¬ he asked hesitantly when I said nothing. Ã¢â¬Å"Do you mind? I am going to be good.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Will it help?Ã¢â¬ I whispered. Ã¢â¬Å"It might. It couldn't hurt.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"What's the worst part, then?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"The worse part is knowing what would have been.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"What might have been.Ã¢â¬ I sighed. Ã¢â¬Å"No.Ã¢â¬ Jacob shook his head. Ã¢â¬Å"I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us Ã¢â¬â comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken. . . .Ã¢â¬ He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. Ã¢â¬Å"If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic . . .Ã¢â¬ I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my soul mate in that world Ã¢â¬â would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world. Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was. Two futures, two soul mates . . . too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldn't be the only one to pay for it. Jacob's pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadn't lost Edward once. If I didn't know what it was like to live without him. I wasn't sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldn't imagine how I would feel without it. Ã¢â¬Å"He's like a drug for you, Bella.Ã¢â¬ His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. Ã¢â¬Å"I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.Ã¢â¬ The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. Ã¢â¬Å"I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.Ã¢â¬ He sighed. Ã¢â¬Å"The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse.Ã¢â¬ I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes. It was very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even. Ã¢â¬Å"Tell me the worst part for you,Ã¢â¬ he whispered. Ã¢â¬Å"I think that might be a bad idea.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Please.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I think it will hurt.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Please.Ã¢â¬ How could I deny him anything at this point? Ã¢â¬Å"The worst part . . .Ã¢â¬ I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. Ã¢â¬Å"The worst part is that I saw the whole thing Ã¢â¬â our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, and it's killing me. It's like Sam and Emily, Jake Ã¢â¬â I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard.Ã¢â¬ He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly. Ã¢â¬Å"I knew I shouldn't have told you that.Ã¢â¬ He shook his head slowly. Ã¢â¬Å"No. I'm glad you did. Thank you.Ã¢â¬ He kissed the top of my head, and then he sighed. Ã¢â¬Å"I'll be good now.Ã¢â¬ I looked up, and he was smiling. Ã¢â¬Å"So you're going to get married, huh?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"We don't have to talk about that.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I'd like to know some of the details. I don't know when I'll talk to you again.Ã¢â¬ I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldn't break, I answered his question. Ã¢â¬Å"It's not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?Ã¢â¬ Jake nodded. Ã¢â¬Å"That's true. It's not such a big thing Ã¢â¬â in comparison.Ã¢â¬ His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his breathing was under control. Ã¢â¬Å"Yes. In comparison,Ã¢â¬ I agreed. Ã¢â¬Å"How long do you have left?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together.Ã¢â¬ I suppressed a groan, imagining what Alice would do. Ã¢â¬Å"Before or after?Ã¢â¬ he asked quietly. I knew what he meant. Ã¢â¬Å"After.Ã¢â¬ He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him. Ã¢â¬Å"Are you scared?Ã¢â¬ he whispered. Ã¢â¬Å"Yes,Ã¢â¬ I whispered back. Ã¢â¬Å"What are you afraid of?Ã¢â¬ I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands. Ã¢â¬Å"Lots of things.Ã¢â¬ I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. Ã¢â¬Å"I've never been much of a masochist, so I'm not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keep him away Ã¢â¬â I don't want him to suffer with me, but I don't think there's any way around it. There's dealing with Charlie, too, and Rene. . . . And then afterward, I hope I'll be able to control myself soon. Maybe I'll be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out.Ã¢â¬ He looked up with a disapproving expression. Ã¢â¬Å"I'd hamstring any one of my brothers who tried.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Thanks.Ã¢â¬ He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. Ã¢â¬Å"But isn't it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it's too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . .Ã¢â¬ He gulped. Ã¢â¬Å"No, I'm not afraid of that. Silly Jacob Ã¢â¬â don't you know better than to believe vampire stories?Ã¢â¬ He obviously didn't appreciate my attempt at humor. Ã¢â¬Å"Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end.Ã¢â¬ He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me. I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. Ã¢â¬Å"You know I love you.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I know,Ã¢â¬ he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. Ã¢â¬Å"You know how much I wish it was enough.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Yes.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I'll always be waiting in the wings, Bella,Ã¢â¬ he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. Ã¢â¬Å"You'll always have that spare option if you want it.Ã¢â¬ I made an effort to smile. Ã¢â¬Å"Until my heart stops beating.Ã¢â¬ He grinned back. Ã¢â¬Å"You know, I think maybe I'd still take you Ã¢â¬â maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didn't?Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I'll think it through and get back to you,Ã¢â¬ he said. Ã¢â¬Å"I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can't phase until he gives the okay Ã¢â¬â it might mess up the way the bones are set.Ã¢â¬ Jacob made a face. Ã¢â¬Å"Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. You'll get well faster.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Sure, sure.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"I wonder when it will happen,Ã¢â¬ I said. Ã¢â¬Å"When the right girl is going to catch your eye.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Don't get your hopes up, Bella.Ã¢â¬ Jacob's voice was abruptly sour. Ã¢â¬Å"Though I'm sure it would be a relief for you.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I'll be.Ã¢â¬ Ã¢â¬Å"That part might be kind of fun,Ã¢â¬ he admitted. Ã¢â¬Å"Let me know if you want me to come back, and I'll be here,Ã¢â¬ I promised. With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me. I leaned in and kissed his face softly. Ã¢â¬Å"Love you, Jacob.Ã¢â¬ He laughed lightly. Ã¢â¬Å"Love you more.Ã¢â¬ He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.